Orphan Petition-less

It has been a tough month.  Probably the hardest week for me since we started our adoption journey was the first week in November.
Denial.  I knew. I knew that our wait time was getting longer. I knew as October approached and the day that we had set aside as our finish line, the, we will know what she looks like by this day (which was originally the, we will have her home, day) was steadily drawing near and we had so far to go. I knew but I hadn't heard the words from the mouth of our case manager.  I don't call to get updates often. As a matter of fact I have done this only 3 times since we began this process. While what she said was not unexpected it was extremely hard to hear, regardless.  There was a family matched a couple of months ago that waited 39 months.  I am not sure if this is 39 months from Home study or 39 months from USCIS approval but regardless that is a painfully long wait.  We are at 25 months from USCIS approval or 27 months from Home study approval. So this means perhaps we will have a referral by October of 2014. Perhaps we will have her home by mid 2015.  Seriously.  The dreams of Azariah and baby girl being babies together? Gone. He will be getting ready for kindergarten with this time trajectory. Kindergarten. He was 4 months old when we started this process. Jude was 4 and Kylee was in Kindergarten. I remember telling Kylee she might be in 3rd grade before baby girl comes home and thinking that surely it would be sooner than that. If only.
We are somewhere around 14-24 on the list for a little girl.  Gotta love the ambiguity in that statement. I think we are 3rd on the list for siblings.  Ah. So this is where things get really interesting.  Not long after we filed our orphan petition we questioned whether or not we should change our request to siblings only.  After a conversation with our case manager fear set in and I questioned our sanity. (legitimately so) At the time I was reading "Interrupted" by Jen Hatmaker and she pointed out that we are called to be broken and poured out for others.  That struck a chord and rather than being immobilized by fear, we made the decision to keep our status as 'open to siblings' rather than change our child request altogether, believing that if we are meant to have siblings we would get matched with siblings.  Kyle and I both felt good about that decision.  We were told, at that time, getting matched with siblings is rather unlikely.  Fast forward two years and here we are. When I spoke to our case manager we were advised to let our orphan petition expire because if we renewed and kept it current we would likely have to updated it AGAIN before we are home with our child/ren.  It simply makes sense to let it expire and start the process of applying in the summer so we can avoid another update. This doesn't change our place in line…the only problem would be if there was a referral and we didn't have our petition current and up to date we would be looked over.  So we will keep a close eye on how things are progressing. If things start to pick up we will get started a little sooner.  It shouldn't be a problem.  We also learned that we are now closer to being matched with siblings than a single.  whoa. The first weekend of November I attended a Women of Faith Event, emotionally I was a mess and though I had been looking forward to the event all year, especially because Jen Hatmaker was a speaker, I was drained and didn't want to cry my way through the entire weekend.  But as it turned out, it was just what I needed. So, there I am weary and broken and soon to be orphan petition less, listening to Jen Hatmaker on the stage in front of me.  She said many wonderful, inspiring things, I am sure but only this stuck in my brain, "We are called to be broken and poured out for others." So let me explain my fear a bit. Siblings is a whole different ball game.  Picture it, an older child, one that is the parent, likely resenting me parenting, fighting an attachment not only for themselves but the younger sibling as well. This is highly likely.  Two children grieving.  I could go on but I think this is enough to paint the picture of my fear.  My fear that we aren't equipped to handle it. My fear that it will be too hard, require too much.  But the truth is people, if I am living a life worthy of my Jesus, I am called to be broken and poured out.  Parenting is hard.  These little people God has entrusted to my care deserve my all.
I don't know what is in store. Will it be a picture of one sweet face or two that will capture my heart? I can't say but I can tell you that I am willing to pour myself out, regardless.
It has been a tough month. But a good one.

To think...

To think that children are taken from their families, to be sold, is heart breaking.  We need to think about it.  Once you have thought about it you need to decide what you are going to do about it.  This is a global problem.  It is happening everywhere.  According to World Vision More than 115 million children worldwide are subjected to the worst forms of child labor, including trafficking for commercial sex exploitation and hazardous physical labor.

You CAN do something.  Partner with an organization like World Vision or No Ordinary Love. Pray. Something. Anything.

We turn our backs on this reality, pretend this problem doesn't exist. Maybe because its just too hard. Too hard to think about the atrocities children face. Maybe we think we can't really make a difference. It is too hard. There are too many. Too much evil and corruption.

22But be doers of the word and not hearers only, deceiving yourselves. 27Pure and undefiled religion before our God and Father is this: to look after orphans and widows in their distress. James Chapter 1
We are called to look after the oppressed. Stand up! Be DOERS of the word. I challenge you to pray, to think about what YOU can do and see how many lives can be changed.  What have you got to lose? Maybe it is time for you to step out of your comfort zone. Live boldly, believing you can make a difference and that these children are worth it.  

The Waiting

In the last update it was mentioned that "updates can feel less engaging for families who have been waiting" awhile and that is how I have felt the last few months. When we get an update that a child has been matched I am, for lack of a better word to describe it, numb. I didn't intend to build a wall but apparently I have. To think we are likely to wait another year is just overwhelming some days.  To spend another round of birthdays and holidays without her when I had silently ticked them off as the last without her...adoption and the process is just heart wrenching through and through.  
For a bit of clarification: Kyle and I started the process of filling out paperwork in early 2011. Our home study approval was issued in August of 2011 and our approval from USCIS came in October of 2011.  When the wait time estimations are given it is based on the USCIS approval date.  Which means, for us, October will be two years waiting for a match.  Granted, our hearts have been waiting nearly a year longer than that.
So. We continue to wait.  We try to prepare but now it seems, as it is in the last weeks of pregnancy, there isn't much to do til she arrives. We found a book and CD to teach us some Amharic and there is a possibility of Skype lessons of Tigrinya. There is no way to know what language will be her first language but these are the two most likely.  I have heard they are difficult languages to learn so we shall see how we do!

Just Dreaming

Baby girl,

Soon I will see your beautiful eyes looking back at me.  I will hold you in my arms and begin to understand who you are and dream of all you will become.

We have been waiting for you so long, your Daddy and me. Your big sister and your brothers can't wait to meet you.  There are so many here longing to see you. So many who love you, even now, when they don't have a face or a name to match with that love.  This love is an amazing kind of love, the kind of love that defies explanation.  I know that it is powerful and fierce, a beautiful force.  I know that it moves mountains because it is this love that is bringing you home.


I sit and dream about what it will be like:
When we get the call.
The first time I hear your name.
When I see your face for the first time.
What it will be like to get on an airplane to go meet you.
TO HOLD YOU IN MY ARMS.
To watch your Daddy kiss your sweet face.
To meet those who have cared for you.
To stand before the Ethiopian government and proclaim our commitment to love and care for you.
To have to board a plane without you and return to the U.S.
The weeks that we will wait for the call telling us we can return and bring you home.
Flying to Ethiopia again, knowing we will have you on the plane with us when we return home.
What will it feel like to board that airplane with our sweet Ethiopian baby...taking her from her homeland?
Buckling you into a carseat for the first time and traveling down the interstate to your new home.
Watching your big sister approach you with a mixture of excitement and apprehension.
Your oldest brother, gentle and loving, saying hello.
The sweet kisses and gentle touches from the youngest of the three.
The village of people longing to catch a glimpse of your sweet face...what a joy it will be to witness your meeting.

Sweet girl, may God hold you in the palm of his hand. Protect you. Provide for you. If there is no one to look into your precious eyes, hold your tiny hand or kiss your sweet face showing you love and the joy you bring to this world, may He send an angel to do it for me. Soon. Soon you will be in my arms and I will do everything I can to show you how precious and treasured you are.

Until then my beloved,
Mama

The Roller Coaster

Adoption is part of our journey. We have chosen to walk this path and if I am honest, sometimes I wonder why any sane person would do such a thing.  As you wait for a match you have plenty of time to contemplate what it is that you are getting into. Fear of the unknown threatens to take me down almost daily. The heartache of imagining what our little one will endure as we take her from her home, the people she has known, is overwhelming.  There are feelings of frustration as we wait for the governing authorities to do what they need to do...the thankfulness for those same people who are doing what they can to keep these precious children safe. The enormous sense of loss in the midst of all we will gain. This ride is the biggest, baddest roller coaster you have ever seen: we choose to get on, filled with expectancy for the wildest ride ever.  As we slowly climb to the tippy top we are full of fear and anticipation awaiting the thrill that is sure to come, hating and loving it all at once.  This is one of the steepest climbs we have made and I KNOW it will be worth it.

Some of the thoughts that I wrestle with include tough ones like this:

What IF my little girl has a Mother who has relinquished her because she cannot feed her, cannot give her medicine or education? How will I be able to look her in the eye? Why is it that our solution is to take that child from her mama? How is that the best solution? How do I reconcile myself to this reality? For the millions of orphans in this world I am thankful that there is adoption but I can't help but question what we can do to change this. 

Food. My family has more than enough to eat. Education. We take it for granted. Reading, writing, math, hygiene, sex education. It is all at our fingertips. Health care. Clean water. From the tap. All the time.  We have an abundance of these resources and technology so there has to be a better answer.

What exactly do I do with questions such as these?

They are the sharp turns that jerk our bodies painfully to the other side. They are the moments when we find ourselves upside down, feet dangling, screaming "you lied! you lied!" willing our world to right itself once again. 

But like I said, we hopped on this ride, willingly, expectantly and it will not disappoint. So we will struggle and wrestle. We will be stretched and sharpened and we will trust that the path set before us will bring us closer to who it is that we are intended to be and all the praise and glory will be given to God alone.