Orphan Petition-less

It has been a tough month.  Probably the hardest week for me since we started our adoption journey was the first week in November.
Denial.  I knew. I knew that our wait time was getting longer. I knew as October approached and the day that we had set aside as our finish line, the, we will know what she looks like by this day (which was originally the, we will have her home, day) was steadily drawing near and we had so far to go. I knew but I hadn't heard the words from the mouth of our case manager.  I don't call to get updates often. As a matter of fact I have done this only 3 times since we began this process. While what she said was not unexpected it was extremely hard to hear, regardless.  There was a family matched a couple of months ago that waited 39 months.  I am not sure if this is 39 months from Home study or 39 months from USCIS approval but regardless that is a painfully long wait.  We are at 25 months from USCIS approval or 27 months from Home study approval. So this means perhaps we will have a referral by October of 2014. Perhaps we will have her home by mid 2015.  Seriously.  The dreams of Azariah and baby girl being babies together? Gone. He will be getting ready for kindergarten with this time trajectory. Kindergarten. He was 4 months old when we started this process. Jude was 4 and Kylee was in Kindergarten. I remember telling Kylee she might be in 3rd grade before baby girl comes home and thinking that surely it would be sooner than that. If only.
We are somewhere around 14-24 on the list for a little girl.  Gotta love the ambiguity in that statement. I think we are 3rd on the list for siblings.  Ah. So this is where things get really interesting.  Not long after we filed our orphan petition we questioned whether or not we should change our request to siblings only.  After a conversation with our case manager fear set in and I questioned our sanity. (legitimately so) At the time I was reading "Interrupted" by Jen Hatmaker and she pointed out that we are called to be broken and poured out for others.  That struck a chord and rather than being immobilized by fear, we made the decision to keep our status as 'open to siblings' rather than change our child request altogether, believing that if we are meant to have siblings we would get matched with siblings.  Kyle and I both felt good about that decision.  We were told, at that time, getting matched with siblings is rather unlikely.  Fast forward two years and here we are. When I spoke to our case manager we were advised to let our orphan petition expire because if we renewed and kept it current we would likely have to updated it AGAIN before we are home with our child/ren.  It simply makes sense to let it expire and start the process of applying in the summer so we can avoid another update. This doesn't change our place in line…the only problem would be if there was a referral and we didn't have our petition current and up to date we would be looked over.  So we will keep a close eye on how things are progressing. If things start to pick up we will get started a little sooner.  It shouldn't be a problem.  We also learned that we are now closer to being matched with siblings than a single.  whoa. The first weekend of November I attended a Women of Faith Event, emotionally I was a mess and though I had been looking forward to the event all year, especially because Jen Hatmaker was a speaker, I was drained and didn't want to cry my way through the entire weekend.  But as it turned out, it was just what I needed. So, there I am weary and broken and soon to be orphan petition less, listening to Jen Hatmaker on the stage in front of me.  She said many wonderful, inspiring things, I am sure but only this stuck in my brain, "We are called to be broken and poured out for others." So let me explain my fear a bit. Siblings is a whole different ball game.  Picture it, an older child, one that is the parent, likely resenting me parenting, fighting an attachment not only for themselves but the younger sibling as well. This is highly likely.  Two children grieving.  I could go on but I think this is enough to paint the picture of my fear.  My fear that we aren't equipped to handle it. My fear that it will be too hard, require too much.  But the truth is people, if I am living a life worthy of my Jesus, I am called to be broken and poured out.  Parenting is hard.  These little people God has entrusted to my care deserve my all.
I don't know what is in store. Will it be a picture of one sweet face or two that will capture my heart? I can't say but I can tell you that I am willing to pour myself out, regardless.
It has been a tough month. But a good one.