She is not far from my mind. I cannot tell you the number of times I think of her in a day. Nor can I explain the love that is growing in my heart for this child I have yet to lay my eyes on. The heartache that is etched into my very being with the thought of all that will bring her to the place where it is our family that she needs. The loss. The unimaginable loss.
I wonder what her name will be. What will she look like? How old is she right now? Will we be able to give her all she needs? How will she feel about her new home? How long will it take before she feels safe and secure?
How long will we wait?
While we wait for a referral we educate ourselves. We read books. We take webinars. We meet people who have done this. We talk to families that are doing this. We pray.
What will it feel like when we get the call? Where will we be? What will we be doing? I liken these feelings to the ambivalence I felt in waiting for labor to begin with each of my three children. The excitement. The longing to know their story, to know how it would all play out. To hold them and kiss them. One very dear to me found a shirt that she said was made for me. It read: "WARNING: I am in love with a child I haven't met yet. I am in the process of adoption. I am subject to cry at any moment. Please bear with me until my referral comes." Apparently I am not the only one.
Life is busy and wonderful and our days are full. As much as we want to bring her home we want to live in the here and now. We want to soak up these days for all they are worth. This is precious time.
We know the day is coming...it could be next month or next year. So we will keep dreaming, preparing, planning, praying with lots of crying mixed in I am sure.
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